Self-Sabotage

I haven't been a very good blogger lately!

I have been flat out at work and very rarely have time to hop onto the internet other than to check my emails!

Yesterday was my week 5 weigh in for the 12WBT and I gained 500grams. I know I haven't been strict with my diet but I have still be working out daily. I'm not making excuses, but I'm hoping it's just period bloating!!

I've been sticking to most of the main meals of the 12WBT plan, but have been completely off track with the snacks. I've succumbed to all the junk food that mum is constantly bringing into the home. I don't know why I choose junk over healthy, nutritious snacks. It could be laziness but I don't think it's self sabotage. 

I watched Mish's videos about self sabotage last night and it really got me thinking. I have a history of depression and physical self harm. My whole life, I never felt worthy. When I had previously lost a lot of weight, I think I became over-confident. Honestly, I turned into a real bitch. I treated my friends like crap and started hanging with the wrong crowd. When those new friends screwed me over, I had no one. I became severely depressed and all I did was eat and sleep. Part of me thinks that the reason I still eat junk food is because I fear who I would become if I lost all the weight again. Deep down, I really think I would once again turn into that nasty, narcissistic, vain person. I do not want to become her again because I fear the reactions of others. It's a vicious cycle and I don't know how to break it!

It's ironic that I work as a Mental Health Support Worker, and I aspire to become a Psychologist; and yet I have so many problems to deal with myself!!!

I have considered speaking to a psychologist about my food issues but I guess I don't want to seem weak.

Phewww, I'm glad I put that out there!! I don't think I've ever admitted that to anyone. I don't actually think I'd ever realised those issues until today. I will keep pushing through though. I have to!

Weigh In

Starting Weight 27/8/12: 90.7kg
First weigh in 29/8/12: 89.2kg
Wk 1 5/9/12: 88.7kg (-0.5kg)
Wk 2 12/9/12: 88.1kg (-0.6kg)
Wk 3 19/9/12: 87.8kg (-0.3kg)

Total lost: 2.9kg

I am certainly not working hard enough at this, and I admit that I really have not been taking it seriously these past few weeks.
I don't know why I can't get my head around the healthy eating.
I can exercise for hours on end, but it seems to be pointless if my diet isn't 100%

I know that my eating habits really haven't changed too much since getting the lap band. I think I need to see a dietitian, but I doubt that would do much good. I know what to eat, I know how much to eat, I know how to balance my diet...and yet I still can't seem to get it right.

I'm happy that I'm losing though, and not gaining weight.
I think that having lost 40kg already also makes it so much more difficult to lose huge numbers
This first month was wasted, in my opinion. However, I have stuck up my "fat photos" in the pantry and now have a constant reminder of why I am doing this. I know it's all in my head and one day I will get it right!

So far this month, I have lost 14cms off my body :)

Weigh In

Starting Weight 27/8/12: 90.7kg
First weigh in 29/8/12: 89.2kg
Wk 1 5/9/12: 88.7kg (-0.5kg)
Wk 2 12/9/12: 88.1kg (-0.6kg)

Total lost: 2.6kg

I had been eating over my calorie target all through the week. I kicked my ass about it on Sunday and had stuck to the plan completely from Monday.
I'm glad I lost at least half a kilo. I have been exercising like crazy and drinking loads of water.
I know I say it every week, but I think it's going to be a good week this week
My goal was to be at 80kg by the end of the 12 weeks so it's looking good!

Unfortunately, my personal trainer quit his job today so can no longer train me. I'm quite disappointed because we got along really well and I lost 10kg since I started training with him in May.
I think I can do it on my own now though.
My sister and I are just going to have to push each other like he did

Wk 2 Day 10

Just got back from the gym and am dying!!
Had my PT session and we went into the "man side" of the gym...the heavy weights!
We did reverse push ups, weighted squats with a 20kg bar, vertical knee raises, chest flies, push ups, chest press and much more
My body was shaking uncontrollably when I got home!
PT was only 30 minutes but I'm in too much pain to do any more exercise. Tomorrow though, I am going to body combat and zumba...I normally burn 800-1000 cals on Thursdays!
I ate well today, not much snaking and I drank lots and lots of water! Didn't stick 100% to the eating plan though.

Breakfast: natural muesli with skim milk
Lunch: mountain bread wrap with half a small avocado, spinach, cottage cheese and 2 thin slice of tasty cheese
Dinner: Mish's meatballs with organic penne
Snacks: Cashews

Weigh In!

Well it definitely wasn't the best week for me
I did not eat right at all. However, I still maintained my usual hardcore gym routine!
Last night I went to my first ever "Fat Burner circuit" Class...squat jumps, burpees, step ups, clean and jerks, wood chops, plyometric lunges, runs, weighted squats...and the list goes on!! It was a killer class and although I felt like giving up in the first 5 minutes, I stuck it out and completed it (mostly because I didn't want to look like a quitter by giving up!)

Anyways, back to the weigh in...

Starting Weight 27/8/12: 90.7kg
First weigh in 29/8/12: 89.2kg
Wk 1 5/9/12: 88.7kg (-0.5kg)

Total lost: 2kg

I'm happy with that, although I would have liked at least a kilo
This week I am  determined to stay on track!
Bring on a big number next Wednesday!

Week one and off track already

I am so disappointed in myself
I was so determined to succeed in these 12 weeks
I know it's only week one and I still have 11 more weeks to up my game but I didn't think I would give in this easily
I very very rarely eat out, but this week I was invited out to eat 3 times
I didn't pig out but I still went over my calories
I've been exercising though
I jumped on the scale this morning and although it's that time of the month, I didn't expect my weight to have increased :(

I am going to work so hard to stick to the plan this week
No mindless snacking!