Wednesday, September 26, 2012


I haven't been a very good blogger lately!
I have been flat out at work and very rarely have time to hop onto the internet other than to check my emails!

Yesterday was my week 5 weigh in for the 12WBT and I gained 500grams. I know I haven't been strict with my diet but I have still be working out daily. I'm not making excuses, but I'm hoping it's just period bloating!!

I've been sticking to most of the main meals of the 12WBT plan, but have been completely off track with the snacks. I've succumbed to all the junk food that mum is constantly bringing into the home. I don't know why I choose junk over healthy, nutritious snacks. It could be laziness but I don't think it's self sabotage. 

I watched Mish's videos about self sabotage last night and it really got me thinking. I have a history of depression and physical self harm. My whole life, I never felt worthy. When I had previously lost a lot of weight, I think I became over-confident. Honestly, I turned into a real bitch. I treated my friends like crap and started hanging with the wrong crowd. When those new friends screwed me over, I had no one. I became severely depressed and all I did was eat and sleep. Part of me thinks that the reason I still eat junk food is because I fear who I would become if I lost all the weight again. Deep down, I really think I would once again turn into that nasty, narcissistic, vain person. I do not want to become her again because I fear the reactions of others. It's a vicious cycle and I don't know how to break it!

It's ironic that I work as a Mental Health Support Worker, and I aspire to become a Psychologist; and yet I have so many problems to deal with myself!!!
I have considered speaking to a psychologist about my food issues but I guess I don't want to seem weak.

Phewww, I'm glad I put that out there!! I don't think I've ever admitted that to anyone. I don't actually think I'd ever realised those issues until today. I will keep pushing through though. I have to!

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