Self-Sabotage

I haven't been a very good blogger lately!

I have been flat out at work and very rarely have time to hop onto the internet other than to check my emails!

Yesterday was my week 5 weigh in for the 12WBT and I gained 500grams. I know I haven't been strict with my diet but I have still be working out daily. I'm not making excuses, but I'm hoping it's just period bloating!!

I've been sticking to most of the main meals of the 12WBT plan, but have been completely off track with the snacks. I've succumbed to all the junk food that mum is constantly bringing into the home. I don't know why I choose junk over healthy, nutritious snacks. It could be laziness but I don't think it's self sabotage. 

I watched Mish's videos about self sabotage last night and it really got me thinking. I have a history of depression and physical self harm. My whole life, I never felt worthy. When I had previously lost a lot of weight, I think I became over-confident. Honestly, I turned into a real bitch. I treated my friends like crap and started hanging with the wrong crowd. When those new friends screwed me over, I had no one. I became severely depressed and all I did was eat and sleep. Part of me thinks that the reason I still eat junk food is because I fear who I would become if I lost all the weight again. Deep down, I really think I would once again turn into that nasty, narcissistic, vain person. I do not want to become her again because I fear the reactions of others. It's a vicious cycle and I don't know how to break it!

It's ironic that I work as a Mental Health Support Worker, and I aspire to become a Psychologist; and yet I have so many problems to deal with myself!!!

I have considered speaking to a psychologist about my food issues but I guess I don't want to seem weak.

Phewww, I'm glad I put that out there!! I don't think I've ever admitted that to anyone. I don't actually think I'd ever realised those issues until today. I will keep pushing through though. I have to!

Weigh In

Starting Weight 27/8/12: 90.7kg
First weigh in 29/8/12: 89.2kg
Wk 1 5/9/12: 88.7kg (-0.5kg)
Wk 2 12/9/12: 88.1kg (-0.6kg)
Wk 3 19/9/12: 87.8kg (-0.3kg)

Total lost: 2.9kg

I am certainly not working hard enough at this, and I admit that I really have not been taking it seriously these past few weeks.
I don't know why I can't get my head around the healthy eating.
I can exercise for hours on end, but it seems to be pointless if my diet isn't 100%

I know that my eating habits really haven't changed too much since getting the lap band. I think I need to see a dietitian, but I doubt that would do much good. I know what to eat, I know how much to eat, I know how to balance my diet...and yet I still can't seem to get it right.

I'm happy that I'm losing though, and not gaining weight.
I think that having lost 40kg already also makes it so much more difficult to lose huge numbers
This first month was wasted, in my opinion. However, I have stuck up my "fat photos" in the pantry and now have a constant reminder of why I am doing this. I know it's all in my head and one day I will get it right!

So far this month, I have lost 14cms off my body :)

Weigh In

Starting Weight 27/8/12: 90.7kg
First weigh in 29/8/12: 89.2kg
Wk 1 5/9/12: 88.7kg (-0.5kg)
Wk 2 12/9/12: 88.1kg (-0.6kg)

Total lost: 2.6kg

I had been eating over my calorie target all through the week. I kicked my ass about it on Sunday and had stuck to the plan completely from Monday.
I'm glad I lost at least half a kilo. I have been exercising like crazy and drinking loads of water.
I know I say it every week, but I think it's going to be a good week this week
My goal was to be at 80kg by the end of the 12 weeks so it's looking good!

Unfortunately, my personal trainer quit his job today so can no longer train me. I'm quite disappointed because we got along really well and I lost 10kg since I started training with him in May.
I think I can do it on my own now though.
My sister and I are just going to have to push each other like he did

Wk 2 Day 10

Just got back from the gym and am dying!!
Had my PT session and we went into the "man side" of the gym...the heavy weights!
We did reverse push ups, weighted squats with a 20kg bar, vertical knee raises, chest flies, push ups, chest press and much more
My body was shaking uncontrollably when I got home!
PT was only 30 minutes but I'm in too much pain to do any more exercise. Tomorrow though, I am going to body combat and zumba...I normally burn 800-1000 cals on Thursdays!
I ate well today, not much snaking and I drank lots and lots of water! Didn't stick 100% to the eating plan though.

Breakfast: natural muesli with skim milk
Lunch: mountain bread wrap with half a small avocado, spinach, cottage cheese and 2 thin slice of tasty cheese
Dinner: Mish's meatballs with organic penne
Snacks: Cashews

Weigh In!

Well it definitely wasn't the best week for me
I did not eat right at all. However, I still maintained my usual hardcore gym routine!
Last night I went to my first ever "Fat Burner circuit" Class...squat jumps, burpees, step ups, clean and jerks, wood chops, plyometric lunges, runs, weighted squats...and the list goes on!! It was a killer class and although I felt like giving up in the first 5 minutes, I stuck it out and completed it (mostly because I didn't want to look like a quitter by giving up!)

Anyways, back to the weigh in...

Starting Weight 27/8/12: 90.7kg
First weigh in 29/8/12: 89.2kg
Wk 1 5/9/12: 88.7kg (-0.5kg)

Total lost: 2kg

I'm happy with that, although I would have liked at least a kilo
This week I am  determined to stay on track!
Bring on a big number next Wednesday!

Week one and off track already

I am so disappointed in myself
I was so determined to succeed in these 12 weeks
I know it's only week one and I still have 11 more weeks to up my game but I didn't think I would give in this easily
I very very rarely eat out, but this week I was invited out to eat 3 times
I didn't pig out but I still went over my calories
I've been exercising though
I jumped on the scale this morning and although it's that time of the month, I didn't expect my weight to have increased :(

I am going to work so hard to stick to the plan this week
No mindless snacking!

12WBT Wk 1 Day 4

Today was a bad, bad day
Went to work and found out that my coworker was off "sick" (he was probably partying too hard) so I had to run all of today's programs.
Today I ran a program with 14-18 years olds at an alternative school and they were a challenge to control on my own
I was alone in the office all day and the other staff members always bring cakes and chocolates to work
I was frustrated and bored and I ate about 4 freddo frogs :(
I can't believe I'm admitting it. I normally would have just kept it a secret but I have to be accountable so there you go
It's so early into the program, I really don't want to go off track again
I am so determined to do this!
I could only eat half of dinner...the pork was way too tough to go through the band
I can't be bothered driving to the gym tonight so I'm going to take a crack at the "At home" workout

Wish me luck!

12WBT Wk 1 Day 3

Weigh in Day!!!

I don't know if I'm the only one, but I was too excited and jumped straight out of bed this morning to weigh in, and it was fantastic!

Start weight (27/8/12...2 days ago) 90.7kg - I was lighter on Friday morning but I drank a bit that night and obviously retained water weight

Today's weight: 89.2kg!!! 1.5kg loss

I was so happy and it just made me more determined to keep it up!!

Today we had a work planning day so lunch was provided. I did plan ahead and prepare a salad wrap to take with me, but work provided salad sandwich triangles. They looked quite healthy and I took a quick look of what was in them and it was mostly salad veggies and cheese/ham slices. I figured I had about 200 cals but am not quite sure so today's calorie count isn't very accurate.

Meal Plan:
8am- 2 slices multi grain toast with baked beans and spinach (235 cals)
12:30pm- salad sandwich (approx 200 cals)
4pm- small banana (72 cals)
7pm- 100gm lamb rump with mushy peas and ricotta (315 cals)
8pm- chobani (140 cals)
8:30pm- 2 rice cakes with PB and laughing cow cheese (174 cals)

Total (approx)- 1136 cals. May have been more though!!

Workout:
PT session- weight training...I did chin ups!
15 mins tradmill
10 mins cycling
Body Step class!

12WBT Wk 1 Day 2

Day two, I was a little hungrier but did not give in!

I snuck in a lot of incidental exercise which was good

I am a mental health support worker, so I have the freedom of structuring my client appointments to whatever my client and I agree on. Yesterday was a beautiful, sunny day in Melbourne so I decided to go for a walk with a client. We walked for about 40 mins, albeit quite slow but at least I was moving!

After work, I went to the gym with a friend and worked out on the cardio machines before Zumba

I'm not sticking to the exercise plan at the moment. I am swapping the days around and doing my own thing but I have found that I'm still getting all the different exercises in the classes I'm attending (ie. in boxing we do a lot of Mish's exercises)

Meal Plan:

7:30am- Porridge with cinnamon and apple (251 cals)

9:30am- Chai berry latte (99 cals)

12pm- 2 x chickpea rissoles, 1tbs natural yoghurt, spinach and tomato salad (250 cals)

2pm- celery and PB (90 cals)

5:30pm- small banana (72 cals)

7pm- small bowl pumpkin soup (110 cals)

8pm- chobani yoghurt (140 cals)

9:30pm- 2 thin rice cakes with laughing cow cheese (90 cals)

Total- 1102 cals (under again arrgghhhh!)

Workout:

10 mins treadmill, incline

20 mins cycling

Zumba

12WBT Wk 1, Day 1

Day one is done and dusted!!!
Had a really crappy day at work but at least the food was delicious
Because of my band, I find it hard to each sandwiches, so I had the carrot tabouleh and hummus wrap. It was so good! Albeit a little soggy (I know, I know I should have prepared it at work but I had a busy day!)
The breakfast berry bruschetta was AMAZING! It was like eating dessert for brekkie!

Meal Plan (I calculated the calories based on the products I bought)

7:30am- 1 slice of berry bruschetta (128 cals)
9am- 1 slice of berry bruschetta (128 cals)
11am- skinny cappucino (60 cals)
12pm- 1/2 carrot, tabouleh & hummus wrap (117 cals)
1pm- 1/2 carrot, tabouleh & hummus wrap (117 cals)
4pm- celery stick with 10gm light peanut butter (80 cals)
7:30pm- cajun fish stew (barramundi and only had half of the veggies) (240 cals)
9pm- Chobani yoghurt with small banana topped with mixed berries (262 cals)

Total: 1132 Cals
Might have a coffee to make up for the remaining calories

Workout:
10 mins treadmill, incline 6
10 mins recumbent bike
10 mins cycling
5 mins X trainer
2 mins Rowing

Leg Press, chest press, lateral shoulder press, seated row, ab machine...weights!

Also did a boxing class!!

Calories burned during workout: 860 Cals

What an awesome day!! I hope the remaining 83 days are just as good!

"Before" Stats

Here's a list of all my "befores"

Fitness test and First shop!

I just returned from my 1km time trial and first weekly shop

My time for the 1km run was 7:17mins...that puts me in the intermediate range! I struggled though. I ran at least half the way but really had problems breathing, and it was really windy. But that's not an excuse! I still did it and I am proud of myself for pushing through. Oh an I could get through 37 push ups (on my toes) in one minute!!! And that was the day after weight training so my arms were super weak already! I need to work on my wall sit and core strength though. And the sit and reach was a breeze! My legs are tiny so I could reach 13cms past my toes :P

I was so excited to do my shop today! I'm really disappointed in my mum though. The pantry and fridge are stocked with crap, despite my begging her not to buy junk. Anyways, I have allocated a shelf in the fridge just for my foods so she better not stock that up with shit as well! Because I have the lap band, I find it hard to eat sandwiches. Therefore I will be substituting this weeks sandwiches with wraps and the chickpea rissoles. I will be sticking to all the other meals though.

I am so excited!! I really want to do well on this.
Off to start cooking!

Cleaning out the kitchen

Pre-Season task 5 is to clean out the kitchen
Seems pretty straight forward
Only thing is that I still live at home with the family
My mum is pre-diabetic and needs to lose weight, my sister and my dad also need to lose weight. However, mum has a horrid tendency of stocking up the pantry and fridge with junk "just in case we have visitors".
I have spoken to her, and even my sister and dad have supported me and also feel the same way that I do about mum's shopping, but I have a huge gut feeling that she will return from her weekend shop next week and the kitchen will be full of crap.
I know I am in control of what I put in my mouth, but it's a lot let tempting when that junk isn't within reach!
I WILL stick to the eating plan despite whatever mum chooses to do. It just means that I need to be stronger and have a lot more will power.

The first step

Last night while I was procrastinating sleep, I decided to join Michelle Bridge's 12 Week Body Transformation Challenge.

A facebook friend had posted about signing up and although I had looked into it before, I finally took that first step and dished out the $200. It's quite a lot of money, but from what I've read from those successful, it seems like a pretty good investment.

Reason for joining:

I joined a gym on May 1st 2012 and had been so motivated and I was working out at least 5 days a week. Lately though, I got ill and have been feeling burnt out. I know I should have rested when I wasn't feeling the best but I pushed through it for a while. I went to QLD for a weekend away last week and since then I have only been to the gym once. Before my break, I was so excited to work out and really looked forward to it. I just haven't been eager to go back.

I have been overweight my whole life. In high school, I remember reaching 115kg. In 2010, at the age of 21, I weighed 126.6kg. I stand at 149cms tall and should not have to carry that much weight. In August 2010, I took the drastic step of getting Lap Band Surgery. My mum was totally against my decision to have surgery. My whole life, she was begging me to try and lose weight and get healthy. I admit that I rebelled every time she even mentioned my weight and I would just stuff myself with food in anger. This was my decision though. I was an adult and I didn't need my parents permission to take control of my own body. From August 2010-April 2011, I lost 40kg. I felt fantastic and mum finally realised how important it was for me to have the surgery. From May-September, I lived and traveled around Europe. I ate and ate, and I drank and drank. But I walked everywhere and ended up losing a little bit of weight. When I came home though, I forgot all about the weight loss. I didn't go straight to the clinic to adjust my lap band, and I kept eating and eating but did not exercise.

I ended up gaining around 10kg from October 2011-April 2012. I could feel myself gaining weight. Clothes got tighter and the number on the scale continued to increase. I didn't have a sense of urgency though. I knew I was off track, and I tried several times to sort things out, however I tried quick fixes and didn't think to work on my mindset. Finally on May 1st, I joined a gym. I hadn't been to a gym in years and was quite apprehensive, however I signed up with my sister so I knew we would push each other to keep it up. For once in my life, I began to love exercise. I was going to classes daily, signed up for Personal Training and worked my ass off! I signed up for an 8 week gym challenge and lost my goal of 6kg.

I know I can do this on my own, however I've finally realised that if I want to reach my goal and maintain a healthy weight, I need to get my head in order as well as my nutrition and exercise. I've heard great things about the 12WBT mindset lessons and am really hoping it's the key to finally taking full control of my weight loss and health.

Stats:

Weight at sign up (17/08/12)- 90.9kg

Goal weight (19/11/12)- 80kg

I'm hoping to write daily posts on how I went that day, the successes and the struggles.
Join me on my journey!